Yesterday morning I went for the alignment CT. It usually is a quick process. This time, I had a few coughing spells while lying flat on my back, so they had to do the alignment a couple of times. I was there for about an hour as opposed to the “takes about 5 minutes” time frame I was given. I am now… not so proudly tattooed with three black crosses once again… adorning my chest and both sides of the ribs. I asked questions and got… well… vague answers. I didn’t hear any real answers to even one of my questions. I still don’t know exactly what they are aligning with the crosses because they are at a lower position on the chest than what I have determined is the position of the tumors.
The next appointment is scheduled for mid-week. It will be to program all the settings into the machine so that it will zap me in the tumors. Hmm… that sounded kind of funny. As already noted, precision of the calculations and trajectories of lines of radiation for tumors in these positions… is critical. I guess patients are at the mercy of those who determine those very calculations. I wish they could include the patients in these events… at least those who are curious enough and ones who understand physics. Trust… I suppose is what we must find in those professionals because it is our very lives that lie within their hands.
After returning home, I called the doc’s office to see if I could meet with her before any treatments are done. I have a shit load of questions that have come to mind since I was diagnosed. (don’t worry…. I didn’t say “shit load” to the kind lady that answered the phone.) They told me to come in 45 minutes prior to the appointment they set up for programming and possibly the first treatment and they’d make sure I saw the doc. That doesn’t give me much time between the conversation and the treatment to ponder the answers that I may or may not receive. Everyone seems to “assume” that I am going to go through with this therapy… but I am still quite undecided. The possible ill effects of therapy on this area could quite likely cause a more painful way to fly out of this world than what the cancer itself would present. Wow… did I just say that? That’s a pretty absurd way of looking at things. Sorry if that comment bothered anyone… but obviously… I do post my true emotional state these days.
Isn’t it odd the way our thinking can change depending on what circumstances dance their way before us? If you are thinking that I have lost hope…. well… No… I have not. I’ve survived too many things that I should not have survived to throw in the towel on two glowing objects inside me that measure only 29mm’s each. No, I’m not delusional either… at least not yet… I do realize that 29mm is quite large considering the location. Read my last post… I’m not delusional.
My Hope33 site may not have many followers… but those who wander here have shared a tremendous amount of love, of hope, of encouragement, of enlightenment, of compassion and of empathy. I am very blessed in many, many ways and I thank every one of you with all my heart.
They’ll be more to report around the middle of next week. Thank you so very much for dropping by… and for caring.
Every one… including myself… should always remember… No matter how high… nor how hard the challenge… there will most often be a branch to grab on to… or a hand reaching out for us. We just have to open our eyes and be willing to pull ourselves up.
Tux and Velvet have a message for every one of us…
“Hug someone you care about”