The Day Before
Tomorrow is when I go for a consultation with the doctor… only because I requested one… it was not scheduled. I am also scheduled to be on the table for a rather long period of time, arms up, hands over head… (difficult for me to do for long periods)… for programming the zapper… then… perhaps, even the first treatment of radiation. I don’t want to go to any part of that appointment. Not even the consultation. I want my questioned answered… but I don’t really want to ask them in a one on one situation. I don’t know why I feel that way. I’m sure that I will go… I always keep the appointments I make and I’m never late for those appointments… but for some reason… I’d love to cancel it and think about all of this for a bit longer. Of course, I know that the longer I procrastinate, the bigger the tumors become.
What’s wrong with my thinking here? I know this is not normal thinking for me. I thought the first bout with cancer was bad because it was in the lymph nodes of the neck and at the base of the tongue and the doctors had no idea of the primary source. They all indicated that the two infected areas were not the primary source. It has never been determined. The second bout was even more serious with the tumor in the lower lobe of the lung. I was told that this round was much worse than the first. I survived all of those episodes, although I have suffered a considerable amount of serious side effects from the radiation therapy that kept me alive. This time… the two areas of concern are even more serious than any of the others. To be very honest here… (I know some of you don’t like it when that happens… so stop reading here if you feel that way)… honestly… from my investigation of research and facts available to the un-professionals like myself… this cancer is virtually terminal… and if this cancer doesn’t do you in… the consequences of the radiation in these two areas… probably will. I could be… and hope that I am… one hundred percent wrong. Maybe the doc will give me at least some peace of mind and tell me that I’m completely full of shit. That… I could easily accept.
I confess, I have not completely rationalized all of that. I doubt that I ever will completely understand or be willing to just except those probabilities. I think what has bothered me the most… is that the doctor has not even discussed this with me. Maybe she handles so many patients with such serious illness that this is more ordinary for her than not. I want to hear the facts, the probabilities, the possibilities… directly from the horse’s mouth. Sorry… I didn’t mean to refer to my doctor as a horse. For nearly four years, I have thought that she is terrific at what she does… I still feel that way… I just… want… to know.
Friday, Saturday and part of Sunday I was very ill. I have no explanation or diagnosis. I don’t know if the symptoms originated with the cancer, the collapsed lung, the heart, or something completely unrelated. What I do know is that I was very ill. Part of Sunday and today I have been better, although yesterday morning some of the symptoms had returned. Last night I woke twice unable to breath for a short period. It was scary. It took quite some time to recover my breath with both occasions. This morning I am very weak, which is starting to take its own toll on me. Other than the weakness, I am better in this moment and very hopeful that the ‘better’ continues to improve.
I am gathering my questions carefully. I don’t want to leave the doctor’s office tomorrow still wondering… with unanswered questions left lingering in my mind. I’m sure it has happened to most of you… driving home from the doctor’s office thinking… Why didn’t I ask her that? Sometimes we have to do that thing I like to do so much… “Ponder”… on what they tell us for a while, before we can even form the right questions to ask.
So, tomorrow I am taking all of your prayers, your warm hugs, your healing energies, your well wishes, and your beautiful lights along with me. It will be crowded in the waiting room and on the table with all of you there, but the staff will just have to adjust to the circumstances… and I will thank you now for sending a part of you along with me. Love definitely heals.
I hope you all have a most beautiful day…