Pausing to Ponder

Pausing to Ponder

Okay… so… I wrote my thoughts… as they came to mind… perhaps not the best idea.  Therefore… a word of caution… there are a few words that found their way onto this page that some may find offensive.  If you are one who is offended by reading such words… please read no further.  My apologies to you. 

Perhaps it is time to pause and ponder.  Sometimes it’s actually difficult to think of a subject to ponder.  However, having had cancer in five critical areas of the body, on three separate occasions, undergone more than a hundred sessions of radiation… it is often that I cannot help but ponder death.  Though there are times that I have wondered if pondering death is actually the pondering of life instead.  I know… that sounds a bit confusing, but how can one spend time pondering death without including the life that precedes it?  Death is final… the finality of what?  The finality of life?  Some will tell you that when you die… your dead… that’s it… nothing more beyond this life on earth.  Some will tell you that there is something beyond this life on earth… something even more wonderful… more beautiful awaiting us… existing in a different form… an energy… a soul.  Oh… how I wish I had the answer to that one, defined and proven beyond any doubt.  Sadly… none of us have the answer… only speculation.  Perhaps some would call it faith.

I’ve often wondered about the idea that if you think that when you die your dead… then that is what you get.  If you think there is something beyond this life… then that is what you get.  Maybe it is one of those things where our thoughts are energy and affects all things in the universe.  Sometimes when I think that… thoughts affect all things in the universe… it’s quite frightening.  Some of the thoughts I’ve had… whew… no wonder the world is so fucked up.  Then I hear others expressing some of their own thoughts… and theirs are often far more frightening than mine and what about the thoughts so terrifying that no one would even verbalize them.  The universe is in deep trouble.

I’ve gotten on some wordpress sites that tell us that life is beautiful.  Hmmm… I’ll just say this… there are beautiful things that surround us if we look for them and recognize the fact that they are indeed beautiful in their own way.  There are beautiful moments in one’s life and those are the most precious of moments and we should linger in them for as long as possible.  There are beautiful people that come into our lives and touch our hearts… bring us a smile… help to create in our minds those beautiful moments.  But… to be very honest here… for far too many of us… life is a bitch.  We struggle nearly every minute of every day with thoughts of how to pay the bills… how to keep a roof over our heads… how to keep the pantry from being empty… where to hide the medical bills piled up on the desk… Oh… wait… I had to sell the desk, so now they’re piled up on a card box… a.k.a… my file cabinet.  Do you really know anyone that doesn’t struggle?  Do you know anyone that wakes up every morning with a smile on their face exclaiming… “Life is beautiful”?  Well?  Do you?

Okay, I know this site is about “Hope”.  I haven’t lost that nor will I ever lose it.  I’m very hopeful that my next scan (September) will show that I am cancer free.  Cured by some unknown source… a miracle.  My docs don’t necessarily share that way of thinking.  As my cancer doc stated when I was diagnosed with malignancies (for the 4th and 5th time) in the subcarina and hilum area of the lung… “This is just the way it is going to be”.  I don’t share that philosophy in any form.  Maybe they are right and I am wrong, but I will still stand here on my own two feet and profess the hope that I will someday be found to be cancer free.  I love mysteries of our humanness.  Unexplained cures… yes… miracles.  I could list at least a million reasons why I don’t deserve to be the recipient of a miracle… but there are many unexplained wonders of our world and I plan on continuing to provide as many of those as possible to the medical community… mysteries of the unexplained. . 

The cancer community wrote me off in 2013.  My docs didn’t have the guts to inform me in person, so I received a letter from some cancer organization that simply said that I was dead.  Just go ahead… lay down and die.  Okay… maybe I exaggerated their words a bit.  What they really said was that I had a twelve to fifteen percent chance of survival.  This was from the first appearance of a lump in the neck and the base of the tongue.  Since that time, my… umm… ‘prognosis’… is down to a two percent chance of survival.  Hmm… I suppose there is that possibility that I have already passed away and have become a ghost writer. 

The first thing I learned about being diagnosed with cancer… don’t believe the prognosis unless they tell you that you will live to be ninety-five. Remember… they’re just guessing and they really have no clue.  It’s just statistics.  Every single one of us is different and every mind and body reacts differently.   I think far too many people just give up when they are told that they most likely will die within a certain period of time.  Don’t do that.  I’ve never been one to go along with the crowd, so why would I want to be a part of the ninety-eight percent that die with the same diagnosis as mine?  Of course… I’ll stick with my beautiful two percent.

There are some who have labelled me… “a fighter”.  Don’t.  I am not.  Never have been.  Not going to be tomorrow either.  I prefer to be surrounded with peacefulness… always… inside and out.  It really bothers me when I hear someone who just completed a series of cancer treatments, exclaim that they have won the battle.  During my years of being near to those with cancer and the years I have been closely associated with them, I have seen far too many profess to have won the battle… then lose the war.  I will however commend them for not giving up.  Trust me… I do know that fighting one battle after another… just to have another one thrown in your face… gets very old… very fast.  It’s very discouraging.     

I actually think that it boils down to just being one lucky son of a bitch.  Okay… maybe that wasn’t a good choice of words, but really… what else could it be?  I know… I’m being ‘used’ by the universe in some grand experiment.  Maybe I’m being saved until I somehow find a way to touch the life of another in some special spiritual way… stashed deep inside my soul’s plan.  Maybe… just maybe… I’m just full of shit.

So I will say this about pondering death.  What bothers me the very most… is how my death will affect those that care about me.  That’s what truly worries me. 

I don’t know… maybe it shows in my words… I feel like crap today.  Sorry if that climbs out from between the lines.         

(I’m pausing to ponder…)

I know that if I make this post much longer, it will not be read by many.  I’ll confess… I’m the same way.  A post has to be tremendously interesting to make me read more than a couple of pages in length.  There are several of those that I follow that can hold my interest for that length of time.  I’m not particularly that interesting.  I sometimes even post poems on my poetry site that are too long for some readers… but then… I suppose that when the possibility exists that I am truly full of shit… it’s easy to make posts much too long.  The most recent post on my poetry site was about not having anything of value to post.  However… the poem itself is at least a bit interesting.  There are many who make posts that they think are not that interesting… or helpful… or inspiring… but just remember… “You” just might brighten the day of someone you do not even know… someone you would least expect… someone that needed to read just exactly those words you left for them to find that you thought were basically of no value.  When you have the time… read the poem… you’ll know what I mean.  Keep posting!

The Pretense of Poetry

Okay… I’m going to shut up now.  I’ve already written too much for most to wander through.  Perhaps… nothing of value… but… perhaps…..?

Have a most beautiful day… and always… always… share your love and hope with another… and don’t forget to pause and ponder.



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