If you haven’t read the previous post “The Report”, you might want to check out the first few paragraphs in order to know what’s going on with this post.
Monday was CT alignment day. Had to drive across the river to have it done because where they used to do them changed hands and is now “corporate” operated and I am presuming that they either wanted to charge too much for the independent oncology people to use their equipment or they just don’t want to share. So, because of that, I came into contact with some different folks and one in particular employee had her light shining brightly with friendliness and kindness for everyone who encountered her. It’s always nice to see that because it seems to me that it is becoming far more difficult to find that kind of person in our world.
I once again have three black crosses adorning my rib cage… one very large one in the center and one on each side. They were drawn with a permanent black marker. They must stay there until I go to the oncology clinic to align the zapper. I have asked the question several times of what they are actually marking with the crosses… but always get some vague answer like… we’re marking where the tumor is… but then they add things like… the doc will line it up better when she reviews the CT. So… I still don’t really know what the crosses are for.
A funny thing happened on the way to the coffee pot the other day. I dropped something on the floor and had to stoop over to pick it up… suddenly… unexpectedly… I couldn’t straighten back up without severe pain in the lower back and hip area.
So what does the old man do now? I walked slumped over to the nearest chair to hold on to. I straightened up with great difficulty. I tried walking… only to find that just that simple act was nearly impossible due to the pain. Today… four days later… I’m still enduring severe pain in the lower back, right hip and down the back of the right leg. Probably involving the sciatic nerve… pinched somehow in the spine. There are moments that are very difficult to move at all. Not sure what to do from this point on.
Now… I’m not saying that I became even more discouraged with life in its current form than I already was… but…. really?????????? I know that believers always say that God won’t put on you more than you can bear. Hmmm………..????? Let me think about that for a while. I wonder about those who are so willing to voice those words and just how much they themselves have had to bear in this lifetime. Now… those who say that you should turn your pain… your sorrow over to God… well… perhaps I’ve done that a number of times. I think that it actually boils down to what works for you. I think that if religion works for you… then please delve into it as deeply as you possibly can… If it doesn’t… well… you must search for another pathway that you can follow that fills your soul with love and kindness. Myself…?… well… I won’t go into what I believe in this moment… but let me share this with you… I believe that there is something within our universe… or perhaps within all universes… that is far beyond what we understand. Maybe we never will… maybe we will know tomorrow… maybe we will see tomorrow before the dawn. Just please… don’t linger in yesterday.
No… I’m not going to wallow in my misery… nor am I planning any kind of pity party for myself. Believe me… I am so very aware that there are those who are suffering far worse than I could ever imagine. As a matter of fact… I saw two such individuals this morning at the CT imagining ‘store’. When you think things in your own life completely suck… stop for just a minute and look around you… outside your ‘self’… it won’t take but just a single moment to see how very fortunate you really are.
I have love and kindness right next to me… every single day. Knowing that you are loved by another is one of the most beautiful emotions of being human. I’m able to crawl out of bed and find my way… no matter how slowly that may be… to the coffee pot. I’m able, though lately… I won’t lie… has been quite difficult at times… to feed and share my love with all of my furry creatures that have found their way into my life. Why on this earth would I ever doubt the multitudes of treasures surrounding me in this lifetime? Why would I ever?
I must admit that there are those in wonder of my existence. Metastatic cancer in so many places… so many times… and yet… still here to blather my words all over this page and torment those who have been drawn to follow me… to support me… to encourage me… to brighten my every single day… for whatever reason. My gratitude to you lies far beyond any words that might find their way onto this page… yet… I feel certain that most of you feel the gratitude I feel… in your heart… and I thank you for “knowing”.
My next appointment is later this week. Final alignment on the zapper machine and a most likely long conversation with my dearest oncologist. I’m looking forward to the opportunity… I’m not quite so sure of her excitement of encountering my multitude of questions. I must admit, she seems to have adapted ‘fairly’ well to my peculiarities and unusual questions along the way. Most of my doctors… have not. But one thing is for sure… I’ll be filling you in on the questions… and her answers… soon after the encounter.
Thanks to all of you who dropped by… and the conversation…
A most beautiful day to you…
Now….. I’m going to crawl into my basket… curl up in my blanket… and rest…