The Journal… December 19, 2018
I hobbled and groaned my way to the coffee pot this morning. No improvement on the back pain today so far, but I am hopeful. In the meantime… it hurts to walk, it hurts to sit, it hurts even worse to get up and get down. It hurts when I cough and well… I have lung cancer, pneumonia and pleural effusion… all of which makes you cough. Steps are out of the question. I have one step at the entrance to my house and I have to pause and ponder and prepare for excess pain before I navigate it in either direction… in… or out. In and out of the car is excruciating.
I’m dreading tomorrow’s appointment a bit because I will have to climb up on and then lay down on the hard zapper bed. It feels like it is actually made out of concrete… and leaning back, putting my arms over my head for 15 to 20 minutes… then having to raise up to a sitting position is not going to be a pleasant experience. One would think that a tumor surrounding the hilum of the lung, squeezing the opening to the lung so tightly that it has caused it to collapse, allowing pneumonia to form in the middle and lower lobes… with an unknown mass stretching all the way across the lung… would be sufficient torture for one human being. But… I guess it isn’t. I needed more pain in my life. I’m hoping for improvement throughout the day today, so that I may be able to do those necessary movements without yelling obscenities… or choking whoever might be standing closest to me at the time. The technicians are all great guys and I wish that I had met them under different circumstances, but they all are quite familiar with me after more than 100 radiation sessions already behind us. After I complete this series… surely I will glow in the dark. At least then… maybe I could find myself. (okay… that was a little weird humor, wasn’t it?)
I started to post a picture of the crosses tattooed on my chest… but then… I decided my readers might not be ready for such… ummm… peculiar – photographic artistry. There are indeed… some things in this world that some people just don’t want to see. So I spared you the awkward site of my beautiful black crosses… creatively drawn in felt marker… around my rib cage. Trust me… you’re glad I didn’t show them to you.
It’s a rainy, dreary day here in the southern plains… of course it is… but gray skies have never brought me down from my normally upbeat disposition. So… I will just enjoy the rain… find comfort and warmth in the gray blanket covering the sky… and know that the birds and all the beautiful creatures outside will enjoy quenching their thirst.
Now… I’m going to have a bit of Irish Cream with my morning coffee. Maybe spend a few minutes with the guitar… it always calms the kitties. Wish you could join me.
Have a most beautiful day.