As I sit here enjoying my second cup of coffee this morning, observing the beautiful soft hues that dawn is providing on this most beautiful day… the skyline ever changing… reflections on the houses… on the window panes along the still quiet street, I wander through my thoughts of how to shine at least a part of that light upon this journal. I’ve started this update four… umm… five times over the last couple of weeks, a couple of them quite lengthy. Three of them have been deleted, the fourth remains lurking in a file labelled… “Do Not Post”.
I suppose I’m often lost in wonder of how to post the truth… the reality of this illness in this journal and not lose those who wander here through the sadness. Perhaps that is what a journal such as this one is all about… the pain… the sadness… trying so very hard to find ways to deal with all that surrounds it with beautiful soft hues… like the dawn… like the second cup of coffee that tastes even better than the first. Perhaps it is simply a part of the yin and yang of our humanness.
It is of course those little things that mean so much to me… they always have. But these days, the opportunity to sit near the window and watch the break of dawn… to savor the taste of a hot fresh cup of coffee… to see a smile on one’s face with eyes just waking… to hear “Good morning” from a soft sleepy voice… from someone who truly cares… is what I cherish the most. Those are the very reasons I find hope in every day… these are the simple things that bring me peace… they are what heals me, what keeps my light burning… they are why I still write in this journal.
It has now been about eight weeks since the last radiation treatment… now waiting in wonder for another few weeks before any form of testing can be done to see what has been accomplished… what has been destroyed both good and bad. I’m not good at waiting… wondering “what if?”… but there seems to be no alternative. (Oddly… my Oncology nurse just called to inform me that my next PET scan has been scheduled for mid-April.)
My health has actually declined over these few weeks… coughing more and harder than before the radiation… coughing spells ranging from mild to severe with the severe sessions out numbering the mild… chest now hurting around both sides and back 24 hours a day… blood oxygen percentage often falling into the 80’s… can’t sleep… extreme fatigue… blah, blah, blah… running fever mostly in the evening and most of the night. There are plenty of signs that tell me that I have quite a journey to wander before I can possibly… once again… relax my mind for a few months.
In the meantime… I have the taste of a hot fresh cup of coffee… the ability to sit by the window and absorb the beautiful hues of dawn deep into my being… a very affectionate kitty sleeping in my lap… another, much more ornery… attempting to make his own entries into this journal by walking on the keyboard… and repeatedly butting his head against mine… with his tongue sticking out… of course.
I hope your morning is just as beautiful as mine… and be sure to appreciate the little things in your life that make you smile.