The results of the biopsy are in and… just as I expected… the sample was diagnosed as squamous cell carcinoma. Duh! I thought all along that the biopsy was an unnecessary invasion, but the docs insisted that they needed proof. Well now they have their proof. I suppose what bothers me the most is that this biopsy was performed on a subpleural nodule, which means somewhere between the pleura and the chest wall… in other words… outside the lung. I don’t have a good feeling about that part of it at all. Up to this point, all the nodules were found in association with the lung with the exception of the subcarina. Now it seems that it is just starting to roam around inside me.
That first paragraph is from a journal entry I had started a few days ago but hadn’t posted. At that time I hadn’t been to see the doc to review the biopsy report. Let me just say that I suppose that Wednesday was a day of reckoning for me. A day of facing the realities of life and death. A day where one’s mortality is cast in front of their face with eyes wide open. A day where the medical profession made a valiant attempt to remove the slightest bit of “hope” from my being.
Here are the words of my doc… “You have advanced cancer… stage four… and there is no cure.”
Wow! Thanks doc… I needed that on this beautiful Wednesday morning… and how is your day? What response can a patient possibly make to those words… ‘there is no cure’? So what do I do now doc… take care of it before the suffering gets so bad that I lose the ability to determine my own fate? Should I go out this very moment and rent that 1966 Ford Thunderbird convertible to drive off a cliff like Thelma and Louise? Is it time to order that wing suit and head out for the nearest 6000 foot cliff to fly off of? What now doc? What? Wait another three weeks for test results on the biopsy material to be sent off, to determine if I qualify for immunotherapy? Oh… sure doc… I’ve got all the time in the world to wait.
I’m having a brain scan next week… I suppose it is to see if I still have a brain. I’ve wondered if they ever get negative results. I hope I can obtain a disc to view at home like I do with the PET scans. It will be a new learning experience and it seems that learning just never gets old… even if it involves terrible medical prognosis. I love to explore… I’m just a little slower at it now than I used to be.
If gross facts bother you… don’t read past this point…
As of this morning… I’m coughing up blood with clots. No… no one needs to tell me that this is not a good thing. My doc asked if I was and I told her no, because at that time… I was not. Today… I am. If I call them and tell them, I suppose they would just tell me to go to the hospital. I am not. I’m going to “hope” that it stops.
Wishing you all a most beautiful day.